The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
