video games are the ultimate cock blocker
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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