I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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