census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
When are your genitals available?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
