I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
sarcasm needs its own font
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize