I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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