I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize