just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
