I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
