u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
