those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
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