it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
