So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Come share oat with me in your robe
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
