it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
