Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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