i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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