never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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