I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
