I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
