I think I won the penis lottery.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Randomize
