So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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