so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize