I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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