i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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