I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
