I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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