my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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