i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
