i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
