woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
