hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
