we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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