i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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