I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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