literally had 100 drinks last night.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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