I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
