I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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