it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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