dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
