Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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