I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
