Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
