i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
