why didn't you poke me back
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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