he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
