I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
