If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
