I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
