The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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