I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You should frame my arrest warrant.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
