Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
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