The maid of honor just puked.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
