I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
