is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
