i just sent this text using only my big toe
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
